Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The food chain......

....and my alarming tumble down it.

We've recently moved into our new place down here in Dartmouth, and the house looks like a grenade has gone off in a charity shop. It's bedlam. We sit on packing crates, forage for food like huge racoons, and essentially have gone feral whilst we try to sort our lives out.

One of the most alarming aspects of this for me is a dramatic tumble down the hierarchy of the household. I used to be the boss. Tam would turn to me for manly advice and to lift heavy things. Reubs would trail round after me rapt in complete adoration, drooling and whimpering with devotion. Occasionally the two of them would swap those roles, but the general theme was that I was the baboon with the biggest, bluest bottom.

Since baby Isla has turned up, I've gone from first to second, and then (disturbingly) to third in the Halls household rank structure. That means I'm only just senior to Reubs, and even he's waiting for an opportunity to take a pop at the champ. This was perfectly illustrated the other night.

Tam and Isla took the best bed. A more accurate description might be achieved by substituting the word "only" for the word "best" in that last sentence, that's how dire things have become in the chaos of the move. Anyway, this left me to wander the house blearily in my pants, until the obvious solution presented itself in that Reubs had a nice big cushion to sleep on. It's his bed, he's slept on it for ages. We got it from Pets At Home six months ago. It's covered in spit and unidentified crusty things that seem precious to him.  He was duly booted off, and I slept blissfully on it, snuffling and twitching and dreaming about chasing squirrels. Reubs went off and - presumably - booted a rat out of it's bed in the cellar and slept there. The rat I imagine nudged a beetle from it's home etc etc, and so the circle of life continued.

It's probably very important that I point out that Tam slept on Reubs bed the next night as I did Isla duty, and so the scene has been set. Happily we've recently got another bed, so the natural order of things has been restored. Reubs still eyes me with that "you'll die mad and alone and by the time they find us I'll have eaten your feet" look. The attached photo is of the two of us playing with a rugby ball in Ireland. Which is another way of saying he just bursts the rugby ball and I get furious and chase him round the garden (which as far as he's concerned is simply the finest game ever invented).

Anyway, just completing the legal handover of the shop, at which point we'll start turning it into a divers / wildlife / filming haven. Whatever one of those looks like.

Cheers, Monty    


  1. You have the most fabulous way with words!

    Moving is always a stressful experience, but at least you have another bed now, and can hopefully get a better rest! :D

  2. Haha...Brilliant blog Monty!

    I can absolutely identify with this, currently living in one room of my "new" cottage in Forsinard with only a blow-up bed and a stolen office chair for company! Roll on the weekend so I can move some furniture from Glasgow!!

    At least I am secure in my hierarchy of one....watch your back mate or it might be the cellar for you!! ;o)

    Looking forward to seeing how things develop for you and the family.

    Best Wishes


  3. nice one Monty...
    here's what a wildlife haven for divers / wildlife / filming looks like. We live that existence every day and wouldn't turn back the clock for anything...
    regards Vinny


  4. Monty.Great Blog... Had me laughing all the way through and by the time I saw you superman flying photo my eyes were filled with tears...
    We who have brought off spring into this world of course rocgnise your fall from grace and I also slept in the dog bed, but the dog was but a puppy and we both curled up snuggly and warm for a few nights peace to get away from the midnight feed recovery.
    You'll be glad to know that you do eventuly become an idol again not if not for your partner at least your daughter and she will naturally learn to wrap you around her little finger whilst making you think your the important one... Oh and by the way I'm only 46 and just when I thought I was backup there once your a grandad the situation repeats!
    Don't forget to publish the address and directions to your business so we can all call in to mock you at the counter in the best possible taste of course :-)

    Best Regards


  5. Hi sitting here in stitches at the 'biggest, bluest bottom' analogy! bless you all..things will settle down and i'm sure Reuben will forgive you usurping him out of his bed at some point..good luck with the shop

  6. I'm just looking at that photo... that landing had to hurt - Ooch!

  7. You know monty it is just the same in my house. It used to be me at the top, then Carin and me equal [if i manage to fool myself into thinking she ever considers me as an equal] but then we got Albus the lab-puppy and suddenly i was back on top [in his eyes at least] Then we got a cat and suddenly I am back at the bottom again. somehow below the dog! I cant help thinking that if i were to approach the dog and demand his bed the cat would come downstairs and kick me out the door! Good luck with the shop-fitting. its a shame I live so far off as i am a dab hand at shop fitting

  8. great blog post also loving the Great Action Photo Monty.

  9. this made me laugh so much!! and i can just imagine you sleeping in ruebs' bed!! haha. you best keep these blogs up, they are amazing <3