Sunday, 10 June 2012

The Man Cave.....

Hi All,

So sorry that it's been a while since I last posted. I've been charging about like a man possessed, Isla tucked under one arm, keys for the boat, the house, the car, the safe, and the shop all lost or mislaid at one time or another, my boxer shorts on backwards and wearing odd socks. Blimey. But I have had a little refuge, somewhere I can go to re-connect with my basest self, so I thought I'd write about that as I'm assuming everyone has such a place.

Our house looks fairly standard from the outside. Perhaps the presence of a small baby and large dog means that there is slightly more rubbish than usual out front (we’re trying to adhere to the massively complex recycling rules of modern life as best we can, the result being ninety seven bins of varying shades containing the detritus of our existence). But generally we have the veneer of pretty much the standard home. Walk inside and there is – just like any other place - a certain level of bedlam. You’ll probably step on a squeaky toy as you pass over the threshold. Reuben will bark ferociously, every inch the timber wolf defending the pack, until you scratch him behind one ear at which point he’ll roll over and gaze at you adoringly whilst waggling his legs in the air. If only the moose in the Klondike knew this about wolves, their lives would be considerably lengthened I imagine. Baby Isla will be sitting on the floor, drooling like an escaped maniac and trying very hard to eat a cushion, and Tam will be multi-tasking in that sort of “playing a vigorous solo on a one man band outfit” manner that is the new mum preparing for the day ahead.

Walk through the chaos, side-stepping bags and babies, all the while being followed slavishly by Reuben, and you’ll come to a door under the stairs. A non-descript door, just like any other, and yet behind it lurks the very essence of my manhood. Turn the handle, and there’s every chance you’ll be overwhelmed by the musky whiff of testosterone that emerges as the door swings ajar. For this is a portal to that essential of modern life - my man-cave.

As your eyes adjust to the gloom you’ll be able to make out the murky shapes of spear guns, diving equipment, tools (oh yes, lots and lots of tools), and crouched in the corner like some hormonal silverback, me. As you enter I may well glance up with a primal grunt. In my more exuberantly masculine moments I may even stand and vigorously pummel my own chest. I have even been known to mock charge those who enter the man-cave, as Tam whispers in the background “Just stay calm, don’t run, and whatever you do don’t look him in the eye. He’s sees it as a challenge you know.” After a few moments I’ll return to whatever I’m doing, which involves a variety of different tools but always, always a very large hammer.

Here's a piccie. To get the full effect whilst viewing this image you need to go and get a whiff of a stag in the midst of the rut, or a bull elephant in musth. But I'm sure you get the general idea.....

I’ve heard it said that modern society is noting the gradual eradication of that peculiar creature that is a man. The thinking goes that the difference between the sexes has become blurred as we become an androgynous monoculture – you only have to stand Orlando Bloom next to Fatima Whitbread to see that this argument has merit. The days of the hunter are behind us, which neatly removes that particular daily test of virility. If you were the chap who thundered first down the hill ahead of the tribe, waggling your pitiful sharp twig at a lavishly tusked mammoth, you were held in high esteem. Or you were messily and immediately dead (which also means that the buffoons were invariably removed from the gene pool by the way, which is something that is again lamentably in the distant past).

May I say on behalf of at least half of the world’s population that it’s not easy being a modern chap. The normal tests of man-dom have been removed by the march of civilisation, and now we have to convince our respective partners that we could – if the chips were down – wrestle a sabre tooth tiger into submission, but the modern life means that we have this discussion whilst taking out a pink recycling bin. I know that society today applauds the delicate, sensitive man, and so it should. But inside, deep inside, I’m sure there’s a tiny voice in every woman that is saying “I wonder if my man could wrestle a sabre-tooth tiger into submission? Yeah, I bet he could…..”

Glance across at your man now, and you’re looking at the greatest predator that has ever walked planet earth, a magnificent uber-animal that can run all day and bring home the bacon. The passage of time, pasties and pies may have taken their toll, but inside there’s a snake hipped Apache warrior (possibly two now I think about some of my more generously upholstered mates).

And so let’s celebrate the man-cave, the shed, the garage, the study, the den and the fug. It’s here that your man can convince himself that he’s still got it, that he could still flit across the Kalahari in the shimmering heat, that he can kick a lion in the family jewels, and stare down a grizzly. The fact that from the within his cave he’ll occasionally bellow “Darling, could I have a cup of tea please? Not too strong. Oh, and with my sweetners please, not sugar. Oh, and with soya milk too, you know that dairy makes me a tad gassy….” should be quietly, and benevolently, forgiven.      


  1. yes indeed! The man cave is an essential place for any modern man. We are pretty much excluded from the bathroom (there is just no room on any shelf due to so many bottle of lotions and unguents that out delightful little lotus-blossoms requite), the bedroom need-not be mentioned and the kitchen is too full of 'rustic' salad bowls (mass produced in a factory somewhere in china) or essential balsamic extra-virgin oliv juice (or something). All is left to us is the overlooked, half-forgotten shed/garage/basement but we embrace it and make it our home, spiritual if not actual.
    Mine is my shed. Also full of spear-guns, dive gear, many tools and several chainsaws (which i use for carving). It used to be my refuge for a quiet smoke but now even that pleasure is gone so it is simply a mental comfort-blanket where i can go and stare-down my own personal saber-tooth tigers.

  2. I met Orlando Bloom once in Waitrose pushing a trolley which would certainly lend weight to your theory until you saw the way he dealt with the tribe of squealing teenage girls that descended - Sabre tooth tigers aint got nothing on them :o) Please give Reuben a scratch behind the ear from me.

  3. Whilst I hate to cast doubt upon your assertion that this is in fact a man cave, I feel bound to point out that there is what appears to be a little hoover in the picture. This may invalidate all claims.

  4. you ever tried getting sand out of a man space with a straw
    and remove sand from a fishing tackle box without a hoover,
    it only a small one not a full blown dysin(not advertising)

  5. If only Bill's man cave was as neat and tidy as yours! You can barely get in the door for piles of wood whittlings, old CDs's, broken things that were meant to get mended ages ago, etc. Mind you, I'm sure it's a ploy to keep me out.

  6. That pool sure does look cloudy! Call the pool boy.
    Split face Tile